I once again find myself writing less than I want to, I'm hopeful that the new year will bring me better time management and more time to write. Now that the flurry of finishing Christmas gifts (knitting and needle felting) has passed, this feels more realistic to me.
It's been an interesting year for me. I virtually met an incredible group of people and joined the collaboration over at Respectfully Connected and perhaps just as importantly, had my own evaluations done this summer and received a few surprises. It's been several months now since my results and I can honestly say it's brought about very positive changes. I have a much deeper understanding of myself than I've ever had, and that is tremendous. I now have the knowledge of why I do so many things that I do, and that there are actually others out there like me! That I'm okay just the way I am. After a lifetime of feeling wrong and bad, that has been a wonderful freedom to finally have.
I think another important aspect has been recognizing my sensory needs. I guess I've always had this vague idea about some of them, but never really anything concrete. And I of course thought/was led to believe that they were all things I needed to "get over". Now, having a better idea of what's going on, I'm able to make the needed accommodations for myself. Not a day goes by that I am not chewing gum. Some days, the only times I'm not chewing are when I'm eating or sleeping. I wear sunglasses year round, even on rainy and overcast days. This is something I've always done, now I simply know the reason why. Perhaps the biggest sensory change I've made are my new headphones which I received for Christmas. I've always known that loud, unexpected noises scared me. Until receiving these however, I never realized just how much the smaller, day to day noises grated on me. These headphones have been absolute BLISS. I'm not sure what to compare them to because nothing else I've ever experienced has brought such peace and calm to my day to day life. I'm not ashamed to admit that I ran through the battery in less than a week.
I'll take a minute to explain how these work because when I first used them, they didn't at all meet my expectations. The best way I can describe it is that they take the edge off. Now if you're not someone bothered by sounds, or someone with super sensitive hearing (like me), this may not be an adequate description. My expectation of them was that they would block out most sound/noise. I now know that this was obviously unrealistic. I don't have any technical knowledge of how they actually work, and it's been my experience before that my autistic brain expects one thing, and is deeply disturbed when the reality differs. Another example of that would be a camping trip we took this summer. Outer space has always been a visually stunning experience for me, so I was very excited to visit a Dark Sky Park this summer. My autistic brain takes things very literally at times, so the experience I was wholeheartedly expecting was the picture seen on the site. A stunning, breathtaking sky filled with constellations, planets, and other beauties in space. The reality was very different. The thing to remember, and that I realized later on, is that I have young children. Young children who perhaps don't (yet) share my passion for star gazing and are ill equipped to patiently, quietly sit on a blanket, without the use of their iPads, while getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. Which is totally fine with me. I had no idea what to expect at the actual park. I naively thought we'd arrive and comfortably settle in and see absolute brilliance in the sky. Had I done better research before planning our trip, I would have realized several things impeding an optimal viewing experience such as the fullness (and brightness) of the moon and the lack of anything really happening in the sky. Needless to say, I was very sad and disappointed that my actual experience didn't meet my preconceived expectations. But so it is.
Back to the headphones. Once I got over my unrealistic expectation of how they actually work, I realized what an incredible tool these would be for me day to day. Honestly, I would wear them 24/7 if I could. They are that amazing and have that much of an impact on me. They really are ingenious in that I can still "function" in daily life with them on. I hear my family speaking to me, I hear the TV/tablets/computer/music, but I hear it on a much more manageable level. I wore them the other day to Costco and, wow. What an incredible experience. It made such a huge difference for me. There was an incredibly annoying alarm beeping near the meat department the entire time I was there. Really loud and obnoxious. Think a fire alarm- it was that level of loudness and irritation. So while I could still hear it with the headphones on, I didn't care. It didn't bother me in the least bit. It was really amazing. I almost wonder if wearing the headphones takes my super sensitive and perceptive hearing down to the level that most neurotypical people experience. I am very much aware of my privilege in owning these headphones and am sad that they are not more widely available to anyone who needs them. I'm deeply grateful that I am able to have them as they have had such an incredible impact on my life in the short time that I've had them.
I really hope to give this blog more attention in 2016 and to be more of a contributor at Respectfully Connected this new year. I am excited to see what 2016 brings, as my first full year of awareness of my autistic self. Happy New Year!
